I secretly detest people who comment on how fat people are.
I hate it when people watch tv and point out every fat person and exclaim like it the most intelligent thing in the world: "so fat!"
I hate it cause I know what it does to a person
How perfectly beautiful people fall into the pit of eating disorders because of these mindless, stupid, insensitive comments.
sigh.
Is it really so bad to be fat? :(

I have not been eating oats for breakfast this past couple of days and my mom thinks its very strange.
Every morning, she'll just come down to the breakfast table to ask me if i want oats.
When I say no, she'll then head back to her room to continue sleeping.
why is it so weird that I don't eat oats anymore??
fine. I'll eat them tomorrow.
my tummy feels funny without oats for too long anyway.

I don't know why I just wrote about that.
i had oatmeal cookies yesterday
that counts as oats doesnt it?? hmm.

I'm so scared and afraid
I'm shaking in my seat
My heart is thumping so hard
I feel its every beat

My notes in front of me
My body stiff and tense
The paper's a few hours away
But nothing's making sense

then a voice beside me
whispers in my ear
Don't be afraid!
All you need is prayer

thanks to the little voice
I'm a little less anxious
but reality still remains
my paper's in a few hours!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I wish I had more stuff to blog about.
I wish i had loads of pretty pictures to post.
I wish i was on holiday.
i wish i wish...
10 more days....

Sumit: Hey! do you want to go for stardust?
Ben: Is that a new beer??

oh goodness. Our youth worker is an alcoholic. tsk.

I went to see jon ong play today at siloso beach.
I HAD to write this if not, he will say i never write about him again.
haha..
SO HOT LA SENTOSA!
I had to play for service in the morning so i couldnt wear shorts :(

After that, sumit was emo.
sigh.
I really dont understand men you know.
and they say WE women have mood swings. tsk.

4 more days to my first paper.
I'm started to get a little bit nervous.

Anyway, two nights ago i remember dreaming about squirrels the size of cockroaches.
another dream to add to my list of weird dreams.

There is so much I want to do after the exams.
Yesterday Sumit said something about not being able to wait for me to end my exams so that I can entertain him.
DREAM ON.
haha..
It's my holidays
And I'm not an entertainer.
blegh.

I feel like taking out my calendar and charting out the things to do..
but I have to go read about rape and trauma and sexual abuse.
how exciting.

I felt really frustrated today during rehearsal.
Every time i tried to build, the AV will push me down and so my efforts are lost
After a while, i just gave up
I stopped playing and no one noticed cause everyone was too busy with their instruments and i was so soft it didnt matter whether i played or not.
I really felt redundant standing there and just watching ppl play and pretended to move my hands to give the illusion of playing
I was really really discontent and irritated


But on the bus ride back, i thought about everything
and then I realized how poor I am
How I always say that music should always be secondary
and then today I just missed out on worshipping by focusing on how disgusting everything was sounding

Lord, remind my forgetful mind that only You matter.

I was going to write a song on my exams and how i hate it and how i wish to be FREEE...
i had all the lyrics but then i couldnt remember the tune correctly so i didnt want to embarrass myself.
And so there is no song tonight.

Today was a frightful day.
I really thank God for great friends who are there for me.
Thanks jon for walking down with me.
And thanks geri for studying with me today :)
and thanks haikal for reserving seats!

I'm tired.
I'm sorry posts now adays are so boring.
my life now is just study from morning till night.
Maybe tonight i'll have another weird dream and then i can write another entertaining post tmw. :)

I learn new things everyday.. which is good. cause i'm supposed to be.
Anyway, today, i found out that the bible has been used by many to justify acts.
The way some people twist the Word of Truth has been remarkably disgusting.
I read about how Reverend Thornton Stringfellow was using the bible to justify slavery.
He said that Jesus accepted slavery and never spoke out against it and hence we should keep it.
Sometimes, the things I hear make me sad.
How someone who is suppose to know God so well can think of Him that way.

then the next thing that comes to my mind is how much exactly do I know my God.
I don't want to misinterpret his word.
I don't want to think that He said anything else other than what He intended to say.

ANYWAY, I went to watch STARDUST
its a really good movie. really.
Charlie Cox is just MAGICAL :)

Sigh.

Anyway, after the movie, i was thinking how it was everyone's dream to be able to just leave this world and enter into a magical world and be a king or queen or prince or princess in another world..
One wonders how Tristan could be so relaxed about the fact that he was sacked from his job.
And then, i realise that we too are destined to be royalty in another place.
We too are princes and princesses of of the kingdom of Heaven :)
We may face many evils and trials in this world but we are all protected by God himself
and that when it seems like we are at our wits end, all we have to do is to hold on tightly to the One we Love and we will get through it :)

It's amazing how great stories are so similar to the great story we know.

I love You.

today, i learnt that in order to reduce the chances of being raped, I have to unlearn being nice, being helpful, being friendly.
I'm going to start being mean.

I also learnt that some ppl only talk to you when they want to hear about the latest gossip...
or when you show signs of being in love and they want the story from you.

i dont like these two facts at all.

today's sermon was entertaining.
The key verses were from Psalm 1.

closing prayer:
dear God, we want to thank you for Psalm 1 (someone).

hahahaha...

Australian Kongkong and Mama are here now :)

i have a headache. argh.

today has been just such a busy day. everything started at 9 this morning and didnt stop all the way till like 10pm.
I'm drained
but really satisfied.
I got to see leanne joy wong, jon ong and joel..
and a whole lot of others at michelle's birthday.
I'm really tired.
But it's been a well spent saturday.

If only you knew.

I AM upset.
I'm upset that you took what was mine.
I'm upset that you think that it is your right.
Why can't I be upset.

WHY.

today was traumatic.
I'm glad its over.

Hey deathspyke. I'll be praying for you.

I wish I knew for sure.

i broke my ice cream fast.
twice.

well, at least i lasted 2 weeks.
stupid ben and jerry's.
stupid creamery.
why must they make such good ice cream.

church
lunch and hanging out with jia, shing and nag
staying for parachute band thing rehearsal
tea with the niners
shopping with the niners
dinner with joel and jon
supper with jia, shing, nag, ben and joel
driving to CCK and back

today has been good.
I need to study.

Sermon today really spoke to me.
It was what I was praying to God about the night before.

I give my life to the Potter's hands.

Today, I made up for all the lost food i havent eaten.
Went for a buffet dinner.
i'm so full now.

On our way there, I was asking my mom what kind of buffet it was.. like.. was it chinese or jap or international.........

me: What type of buffet is it ah?
Dad: The all you can eat type.

yes. My dad says the smartest things.

Lydia drove home.
It was pretty exciting to be driven home by someone other than my father.
But then..
the car ride back was.... well...
Let's just say Lydia and daddy shouldnt sit in the front seats together.
The conversation was just blegh.
at least I got home safe.

I can't wait for tmw :) meeting the niners.

Strange Dreams

Last night, I dreamt that I was in the middle of the BIG field at bukit timah, sitting around this HUGE hot plate with my Cell Group and frying prata.
It wasnt really prata.. hmm..
i dunno..
It was like flat like prata.. but flatter...
Like crepe.. you know?

Then suddenly, I was in this jail thing and we were sitting in this room that looked SOOO much like a classroom..
and then I was part of this group called the thursday girls. I dunno why.
Anyway, we were all given locks to unlock..
they were really pretty.
like all sorts of designs and all.
And then I didnt get to do it cause i was called out by a warden.
And then my alarm rang.
It was like... i KNEW I had to leave the room soon..
Cause i KNEW i was in a dream.
And i couldnt just disappear in front of all the other prisoners..
And that was when the warden came.
I remember having this really intellectual discussion with this other girl in the room...

I have the weirdest dreams.

I CAN EAT! I CAN EAT!! I CAN FINALLY EAT!!!!!!!!!!

though in very small mouths cause my lips are still healing.
BUT I CAN EAT SOLID FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God is good. He really is.
He knew I'm going to go out today and I needed to eat today
And He remembered my buffet dinner celebrating my grandpa's bday tmw!!!!

He loves me :)

I've run out of websites to visit..
all I do now is read read read.. which is good.. but makes me fall asleep.. heh.
So I sleep alot.
Which is also good.. but I feel unaccomplished at the end of the day.

I really hope tmw, my ulcers will be gone.
and I can eat..
BUT for now, water's good :)
Now, I have the important task of tasting different brands of water to see if they taste different.
thanks to jon ong. hahaha..
I havent started though..
my lips today are bleeding a bit more than usual so everything tastes like it has blood.
ok. that was gross.

Today, i spent the day sleeping and reading...
you know, in a month, it'll be the hols.
it seems like this sem just zipped past.

My rash is almost gone.
The only thing that needs healing now is my tongue and lips..
there are ulcers on the surface of my tongue which is the main thing that's preventing me from consuming anything solid.
My lips are healing.. i think.. i hope.

one day, i'll look back at all this and be proud of myself for surviving this ordeal.
one day... :)

my love handles are GONE! hahaha..
probably the only good thing that came out of this illness..

solution to your love handles: Go on a liquid diet for 4 days. Just 4 days. Nothing but milk and water. Sure to lose.
though you'll start craving very bad for food, and you'll just feel generally weak.

not that I had a choice.
BUT ANYWAY, i'm enjoying time without my love handles till i pig out again and get them back :)

went to school today.. just for a couple of hours for a lecture i THOUGHT was important.
feel partially cheated.
But i got to have 'lunch' with great company, and that was good. :)
thanks to you all who made my first day of freedom after so long, so nice. :)

the worst thing about this illness is not the pain.
Nor is it the blisters or the ugliness (Though i dont think i look bad with thick red lips)
nor is it about not being able to eat anything
rather, its not being able to touch my piano,
not being able to sing
not being able to write and journal
not being able to do stuff i usually do to praise God...

today, I tried to play the piano...
heh.
it hurt like mad
but the first chord sounded SOOOOOOOO good..
it rung in my ears and i teared.
I can't play much
but God, as much as I can play, every note, every chord, every song is to You.

after 5 minutes, i couldnt go on...
But those 5 minutes were the best 5 mins i've had in a long time.

*close eyes tight and wishes*
GET WELL! GET WELL! GET WELL!

*peeks*
sigh.
still that fat sausage mouth and that rash covered body.

GO AWAY YOU STUPID ALLERGY!

i'm too bored.

I WANT TO EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:(
list of things to eat after i recover:
- Chicken nuggets
- Fillet O Fish
- chocolate cake
- hot dog
- chicken hor fan
- beef hor fan
- PRATA
- Naan and chicken masala
- chicken chop
- sushi
- spring rolls
- squid heads
- EVERYTHING solid.

Even drinking is difficult.
BLASTED allergy.

Went to see the doc today.
I was so relieved when she told me she was going to give me medicine that would make me sleep..
I didnt sleep a wink last night.
The pain and the itch kept me awake.

Currently, my lips are 3 times its original size.
I have large blisters on my lips and in my mouth.
So I cant eat. Even eating oats is painful.
sniff. I hate this.
Anyway.. I also have tiny blisters all over my body.
These are red. small and boy do they itch.

I hope they subside by sunday.. oh well.

THE DOCTOR THOUGHT I WAS 14! hahahaha... :)
tts the only good thing today.
Anyway, diagnosis is that its an allergic reaction to some medication I was taking...

At least I get to sleeeeeeeeeeep in :)

Today, i'm SWOLLEN.
my lips are like angelina jolie's, my eyes are small and puffy...
Haikal was trying to find out the causes of it today during gender studies lect.

possible cause: A cockroach peed in both my eyes.

alarming? no.
He then proceeded to tell me this very entertaining and informative fact:
On average, A person swallows 8 spiders while he is sleeping throughout his life.

I wonder how many I've swallowed already.
Haikal hopes he's not above average yet.

this has been an interesting lecture.
And it all started with a swollen, puffy me.