How I Survived Confinement

Here's another question that is often posted to me: How did you survive confinement without a confinement nanny or a helper? 
I always reply half-jokingly that I managed only because of God's mercy and amazing grace.. heehee. 
Disclaimer: I am absolutely no expert in this. I only went through it once ever but I just thought I'd share my experience..

When we were expecting K, our first thought was how we were going to handle having a newborn.
I was very sure I didn't want a confinement nanny.
I had heard too many horror stories about how they have a thousand and one rules of what you could and couldn't do in the first month.
We also found out soon enough that employing a confinement nanny was crazy expensive.... so it was time to think about alternatives.

Our first alternative was to have either of our moms help out with the baby...
But my mom was still working full time and even though she offered to stay over for the first month to help as much as she could, I really didn't want to tire her out having her shuttle between her job and my home..
She doesn't drive and the journey from her work to my home was an hour long at the very least.
Q's mom was working part time but stated from the start that she and her helper came as a set.
We didn't have space for two in our tiny flat and I was against staying at their place because I knew I would want the comfort of my own home especially after giving birth.
So that left us with the option of coping on our own.
I rationalised going head first into the unknown by saying to myself: The people in the US don't have confinement nannies... And some of them even stay in a different state from their parents, and they still survive! I was sure I could do this. 
Being naive and inexperienced definitely gave way for much blind determination and stubbornness here.

Well God was kind to us (despite my pride and defiance) and we were blessed with a very calm baby K.
I'm not so sure if I would have survived it if she was fussier or more high needs.... 
But as calm as she was, we still struggled to read K's cues for the first few weeks..
After a (looooong) while, we finally figured it out and got a momentum going.

The first month with our newborn was crazy. 
And I mean headless chicken, cow jumping over the moon kind of crazy. 
I may have seemed put together and calm and happy but I was running on adrenaline 100% of the time. 
Sure, the baby sleeps a lot but I was also getting used to breastfeeding, pumping, meeting our own basic needs, keeping the house reasonably tidy and sanitary all while recovering from a major surgery from just having my body cut open and a baby pulled out from me. 

When you have a teeny tiny baby, everything seems daunting. 
Stepping out of the house is a careful and calculated affair. 
Q and I tried to come across as 'chill parents' and went to Yakun for some toast and eggs when K was only 9 days old. 
But the truth was, Yakun was a 5 minute drive away and she was a very good sleeper. 
We were also still fresh with adrenaline and had tons of energy even though we didn't have much sleep. 
Looking back, I think we were just crazy from being cooped up so long we needed to go out to save our sanity.
When the end of the first month drew near, we could pretty much sleep standing up. 

So how did we survive? 

1. Outsource

We had some help for food and major cleaning for the first 3 months.
There are options to cater confinement food but they come at a hefty price of more than $20 a meal per person.
We opted for normal tingkat which was only about $5 a person and ordered for 3 people.
I kept the leftovers from dinner for lunch the next day.
This is probably a huge no-no for the traditional people but we needed to be frugal so that our savings would last us and hey! I didn't lose a limb in the process, was able to breastfeed (partially at first then fully plus had surplus to store) and K was at 75% in weight all the way.

We looked at paying someone to come in once a week to help with the cleaning but Q's parents offered to help with that. 
So my MIL brought her helper over once a week to help with the cleaning.
My dad also came over to help vacuum and mop for a while (I have a super dad who isn't afraid of doing housework).
I did light cleaning the rest of the week.
Q was around for the first 2 weeks so he helped with that too (another super dad).

2. Set Boundaries and Keep Priorities Clear

There is a lot of excitement around a new baby. 
Friends and family will want to come see the baby. 
Grandparents go crazy especially when it is their first grandchild. 
K is the first grandchild for both of our parents so you can imagine how insane it was. 
But we set boundaries as to when they can visit and it helped a little.
Most people also seem to forget the first month is when the mom is still recovering from pushing a baby out, and in my case, a major surgery. 
Husbands, protect your wives and their wellbeing.
Remember that above all, the health and wellbeing of the daddy, mummy and baby takes priority.
Talking about the wellbeing of the mother, postnatal depression is a very real issue and the support that the new mom gets from her husband and people around her is very important. When I say hormones are crazy after giving birth I MEAN crazy. I personally remembered being very hormonal as my body was adjusting and trying to produce milk and needed all the rest I could get. 
We tried our best to keep visitors to the minimum but looking back, I think we could have tried harder. 
As much as everyone is excited with the new arrival of the baby, I think that the priority for the first month should be the mom and baby. 
Everything and everyone else can wait. 
Seriously, the mom just spent 9 months growing this baby. I think she deserves a month to be the queen. 

3. Set Expectations

Grandparents love to volunteer to help. 
They will call and say: 'Do you need help today? I'm free today. I can come.' 
But when they do come, they end up just sitting around playing with the baby -.- 
Sometimes, they keep the baby from sleeping because they are so eager to play with the baby and you end up with an overtired, cranky baby. 
When babies are overtired they don't sleep well. The more tired the baby is, the harder it is for them to sleep. Strange, I know. 
So before anything, set expectations. 
Newborns are awake for about an hour at the most. 
30- 45 minutes is spent drinking the tiny bit of milk. 
5 minutes to burp the baby after the feeding,
2 minutes to change the baby's diaper,
And you are left with a grand total of 8 minutes. 
That's all the time grandparents or whoever that has come to 'help' has to play with the baby. 
That's not a lot of time.. 
So, we told our parents from the start: When we ask you to come and help, it means to help clean or cook or get groceries. It doesn't mean to come help hold the baby. 
And then after telling them, repeated it about 20 more times so it got drilled in.. lol.... 

Looking back, I would say that I did not survive it on my own. 
I had a very supportive husband and help from family.
And even though I say it half jokingly all the time, I truly think that God's grace and mercy played a big part.
I've learnt in the past year that God gives moms extraordinary power when it comes to our kids. 
He knows when we need help and sends help, when we need encouragement to send encouragement. 
And when our strength comes from God, nothing is impossible. 

Mother's Day!

So today I celebrated my second Mother's Day.
My first was spent in bed with painkillers, antibiotics and a 39+ degree fever.
I was also hooked up to a pump or a baby half the day.
But this year, I am thankful to be out and about and enjoying the day!
We started the day with a really great church service.
Being Mother's Day, they played a couple of videos about moms and the first one left me in tears.


I guess I cried because sometimes I feel like the things I do are taken for granted and it felt like someone finally is starting to recognize all that I have been doing...
The sermon was about how being a mom is a ministry and it was a message for me because even though I have been happy to be a SAHM, I have also still been fighting it a little.
Well, even though technically moms get no breaks, Q treated me to 2 hours of me-time after lunch while he took K home to nap.
I indulged in a little manicure and got my very overworked fingers painted a beautiful ice blue just because I didn't have to keep to 'neutral colours' for a job ;)
But 5 minutes into the appointment, I found fidgety and thinking about how I would much rather be at home with my family.
I texted Q to check on how everything was going.
When he didn't reply, I could only wait patiently and periodically (like every 15 seconds) check my phone to see if he had read my smses.
I found out soon after that K was putting up a fight and refusing to nap.
So through sms, I tried to dole out advice to help Q through the battle.
Finally after 2 hours of fighting, Q and sleep won.
10 minutes later, I was home again. YAY!
I think 'me time' actually is just time to make me miss my family. lol..

We went out for dinner at a super fancy place...................... in a coffee shop a 5 minute drive away. hahaha..
It was super empty.
I guess everyone else was celebrating at fancy restaurants but I was thankful for the quiet and the fact that we didn't have to burn a hole in our pockets for a nice meal.
K was even nice enough to finish her food quickly so the both of us could eat in peace while she tottered around the coffee shop with her post dinner snack in one hand, charming the stall owners with her smile :)
It was just the three of us and it was perfect.

All in all, I had a great Mother's Day.
I even got a little card!

Heehee!
Happy Mother's Day to all moms and moms to be!
Everyday should be Mother's day, but I guess it can't be because we have to be nice and leave some days for fathers too ;)

A Typical Day of a SAHM with a 6 month old

6 months is when I felt everything became a hundred times better.
K's schedule became much more stable and predictable, she was sleeping through the night and we had fallen into a comfortable routine.

Schedule as according to 29th October 2014 (exactly 6 months)

7am: Wake up and pump
- shower
- put laundry to wash and start cycle
- eat breakfast
- do QT
- hang laundry
9.30am: Baby wakes up
- Warm up milk
9.45am: Feed baby (no need to burp anymore because by this time, K has learnt how to burp on her own)
- Change baby
10am: Leave K to occupy herself on the mat/bouncer while I continue with housework
- Go back once in a while to check on her and play with her
11.10am: Put K down for her nap (by this time she has also learnt to sleep on her own so no need for rocking endlessly. YAY!)
- Have lunch
- Pump
12.40pm: Baby wakes up.
- Play with K for a while
- Warm up milk
- Play with K while milk warms up
1.20pm: Feed K
- 1 bottle and a tablespoon of solids
- After food, change her diaper
- Leave her on her own to play
2.25pm: K goes down for her 2nd nap
- pump
- Me time (I usually take a short nap too)
3:55pm: K wakes up
- Play with K for a while
- Warm up milk
- Play with K while milk warms up
4.40pm: Feed K
- Put her in the high chair while I prepare dinner
6.30pm: Daddy comes home and takes over occupying K
- I take my warm shower and pump
7.10pm: Daddy feeds K her last bottle
7.30pm: K takes her bath
7.50pm: Bedtime for K

As you can see, K becomes a little more independent and she can occupy herself a little more.
I felt that we were super blessed with a baby who slept very well. K went to bed around 8pm every night and only woke up around 9am every morning so we could get some time to ourselves every night and I could get a good 2 hours every morning to have a nice breakfast, do QT every morning and finish some housework.
I also get a little more time to myself to indulge in a CSI episode or two while she naps or occupies herself :)
I wouldn't say that ALL babies get easier at 6 months but it seems that is the general age when life gets easier for MOST.
By then, I have also 'conditioned' my breasts to only need pumping every 4-6 hours without the threat of them bursting so it gives me a little more buffer time to get to the pump without feeling uncomfortable.
I would say that 6-9months was the sweet spot for me.
She was independent enough to occupy herself and not yet too mobile that I would need to keep a close watch on her.
She was also a very contented baby (I believe the key is to not overly occupy them in the first 6 months so they learn to keep themselves occupied) and could go for a good 20 mins just doing her own thing.
That was good enough for me to do the prep for dinner or to go to the toilet.
Another thing that played a huge role was sleep training.
But I'll save that for another post :)

So, that is the life of a SAHM with a 6 month old!
Half a year is a long time but also a very short time when you look at the big picture.
Would I go through it all again? hmmm......
Guess we'll have to wait and see ;)

A Typical Day for a SAHM of a 3 month old

I thought it would be interesting to start this series of 'A Typical Day for a SAHM of a...' just to give a clearer picture of what it is like to be a Stay At Home Mom...
And also to remind me how much work it is to have a baby at home when I get the itch for another one.. hahaha..

Even though so many people have already said that being a SAHM is actually a lot of work, I still hear comments like: 'Just ask (insert name) to do it. She is a SAHM. She should have the time'.
I cringe and silently scowl at the individual who says that.
Then I realised soon after that I say it myself.
I tell people 'Oh. Let me do that. I don't have a job anyway and have more time.'.
NOT TRUE!

Anyway, I kept logs of when K slept and when I fed and changed her from birth till she was 9 months (I am OCD if you still don't know) so this is going to be pretty accurate ;)
So here is a typical day with a 3 month old (taken from K's sleep, eat and poop diary on the 31st of July 2015)...

2am-2.35am: Baby wakes up for feed, Feed and burp baby
2.35am: change diaper and put to bed
2.40am-3.15am: Pump milk
3.20am-7am: Sleep
7am-7.35am: Pump milk
7.40am-8am: baby still asleep so shower and have breakfast
8am: Baby wakes up. Heat up milk bottle and soothe baby while we wait for bottle to warm up.
8.10am-8.45am: Feed and burp baby
8.45am: Change diaper
8.50am-9.25am: rock baby to sleep
9.25am-10.05am: house chores
10.05am-11.10am: baby wakes up so take baby and rock again to sleep (yes, for that long!)
11.10am-11.40am: Quickly pump milk and pray baby stays asleep long enough for a full pump
11.40am-12.15pm: baby wakes up but hasn't slept much so try to rock again to sleep... but give up soon after since it is time for her next feed.
12.15pm: heat up milk
12.25pm-1pm: Feed and burp baby
1pm: change diaper
1.05pm-1.20pm: Rock baby to sleep
1.20-2.15pm: LUNCH (so hungry). Then resume chores.
2.15pm-4.15pm: Baby wakes up, rock again to sleep and repeat 4-5 times. Try to squeeze in a quick pump or two so that breast doesn't get engorged.
4.20pm: give up since it is time for next feed, heat up milk
4.30pm-5.05pm: Feed and burp baby
5.05pm: change diaper
5.10pm-5.45pm: rock baby to sleep
5.45pm-6.30pm: Prep and cook dinner
6.30pm: HUSBAND IS HOME! HALLELUJAH!
6.30pm-7.10pm: Dinner and short down time
7.10pm-8pm: Daddy takes care of baby, plays with baby while mummy takes a nice hot shower and pumps a nice long pump.
8pm: Heat up bottle
8.10pm-8.35pm: Feed, burp, change.
8.40pm: Put baby to sleep and go to bed.

When she was a newborn, it was impossible to do anything but feed and try to put baby to sleep and pump in between.
3 months was when things were actually a little less crazy because K was only feeding 4 times a day and the rest was sleeping.
Babies 1-6 months need a lot sleep and also a lot of help to sleep.
And the result of that is very little time to do stuff that I want to do even though she only fed 4 times a day.
I didn't even get time to nap in the day so I was really thankful that by then K slept a good amount at night, allowing me to get a decent amount of sleep too!
If I could ever squeeze a 20 minute nap somewhere in the day, it would be considered an extremely good day.
I did give K a bit of time here and there on her own to learn how to occupy herself but the reality is that babies at this age don't stay awake for long so the amount of time spent 'on her own' was about 5-10 minutes here and there.

The schedule might look a little less packed for exclusive breastfeeding or exclusive formula moms but I was exclusively pumping so most of my 'free time' was spent attached to the pump.
But even if you don't count the pumping times, there were lots of other things to do.
I didn't include things like washing and sterilising bottles and bathing baby because I can't really remember where I managed to squeeze those in. hahaha..
And there were other small things like trimming baby's nails which usually took at least half an hour because babies are very wriggly, as well as my own toilet needs (the key to a quick trip is regular probiotics).
Then there were also other things like grandparents trying to come and visit or asking us to go out for a meal over the weekends, etc... kill me now.

My mantra throughout this period was 'this too shall pass'.
I just kept looking forward and reminding myself that babies don't stay babies forever.
They eventually stay awake for longer, their sleep gets more regulated, they also pick up skills along the way that help them to be more independent.
And true enough, time flew by and my baby is no longer a baby! *CRYYYYY*
It is a bittersweet feeling when your baby no longer needs you that much to function through the day.

Stay tuned for a typical day for a SAHM of a 6 month old! ;)

K is One!

Designed by Talented Adele Lee

 Poem by Talented Q

K turned one a few days ago and we just had her first birthday party yesterday.
I have to say I really respect moms who can organize parties every year for their kids.

Being totally new to this kid's birthday thing, we were a little unsure about what to do for K's first birthday.
We wanted to keep it small and simple inviting just the people who were closest to us.
But along the way, our guest list grew and grew and the small party turned into a huge one.
We were so thankful my parents were able to secure the function room and BBQ area of their condo so we didn't have to worry if people would be able to fit in our tiny flat.
There were so many more people we wanted to invite but we just had to draw the line somewhere before we had to move the party from the function room of a condo to a full on hotel ballroom!

With so many people expected to come for our party, I started to get a bit anxious about the amount of presents K might be getting. She already had so many toys and clothes and books from generous friends that have passed on their children's favourites to us that we really couldn't imagine any more. While I was stressing about it one day, it dawned upon me that there were so many kids so much less fortunate than K in the world. And what better time than K's first birthday to do something to help these kids? So that night after putting our little one to bed, Q and I spent the next 3 hours researching children's charities. We found a handful and finally settled on SOS children's villages. This was mainly because the charity's main work is to help children who really don't have a home and all the comforts that K has. I personally liked how they made family the main focus of their intervention by intentionally creating homes for homeless children and providing a father and mother figure for kids without parents. We also liked how they were very transparent about how they used their funds so we could be sure that a large portion of what we donate will impact the kids directly. We were really, really happy to see our jar full of red packets of blessings for these children.

This one year has not only been the best time of our lives seeing our baby grow, it has also been a huge journey of learning for me. I have been humbled time and time again by the generosity and love of the people around us. I have also been blessed to witness God's providing hand at work. I have never prayed more than in this past year. I have also never felt more love and support from the people around me.

I am now looking forward to the day K is old enough to understand, so that I can tell her about all the wonderful people who have helped to make her first birthday extra extra special. Thank you, once again to everyone who has been a blessing to us in one way or another. You guys comfort me knowing that even though the world is becoming uglier each day, there is still much beauty around.. especially around our little K :)